I find it a little ironic because I am always saying how I am not ready to grow up and don't want to grow up. Sometimes I feel like two different people: the person I am at school with my friends, the one saying "I can't even picture kissing a guy, wouldn't that be so awkward!" and the person I am with my sister's friends and my dance friends, the one who goes out and parties and makes out with strangers. If I'm honest, I don't really like either of those people. I guess I don't really like who I am. Or who I am pretending to be. All I know is I want to enjoy my life and all of the sudden I realized that maybe I am not taking enough risks. I didn't even go to parties before I started going to clubs. I guess I'm doing this all backwards.
Maybe there is a reason that the drinking age is 19 and not 17. Maybe I should just stick it out for a year and a half until I turn 19. I just keep thinking that by the time I'm 19 I'll have missed out on a lot and then that whole group won't be interested in partying with me anymore. Which really, when I think about it doesn't make a whole lot of sense since when I turn 19 they will only be 22/23. So maybe I'm just crazy. I don't want to lose my childhood, but I also feel like I have to grow up. I don't know why. I know this is so typical teenager that it makes me want to laugh, but it is fun to get crazy drunk, and it is fun to dance the night away and barely remember it the next day. But it is also fun to hang out with my best friends and eat ice cream and watch movies and pretend like we're little kids again and to be "rebellious" by running around in the snow at midnight. Life is so bizzare.
I don't really even understand why I feel the need to grow up. Maybe it is because my sister isn't here to keep me in my place as the little sister. I don't know. But using her ID makes me feel so "little sister" that it almost feels like she is still here: laughing at me and watching out for me.
This whole little novel makes me think how unlike I can be from my sister. I guess she wasn't quite so much of a partyer. I don't know if she would have approved of the whole getting wasted thing. One more little worry: I am afraid I will never find a guy who really truly likes me for who I am. I don't want any guys to take advantage of me because I am young and naive. I hope when I go to university that I will meet people who like me and respect me for who I am. I'm terrified that won't happen.
