I am feeling so strange. I feel so happy, so sad, so confused, so excited, so annoyed all at once. And so damn tired! I hate that tomorrow and Wednesday are supposed to be "holidays" from dance and yet I have to be there from 3:30-9 tomorrow, and 6:30 on Wednesday. Really? You call that a holiday? Oh yeah, for sure. What else. Oh god, stupid french teacher today. She really can be a testy one. "Hi, I'd just like to find out what I missed on Thursday and Fri.." "There's this thing called the internet." Woah, sorry! I forgot about my magic power! I'm sorry I didn't make all my grammar sheets magically appear out of thin air! Jeez. You're so spaztic, so intense and so rude. And then my intense conversation with Emily in the middle of ballet about a certain someone. And about Maija-Liisa. It's strange how there is all of this drama and I get caught up in the middle of it. And it's like everyone is still trying to fight for Maija-Liisa's love and attention. But then they remember that she is gone. Or maybe they remember and continue to fight for her number one spot because they don't know what else to do. It's so strange to watch. This is so selfish, but when they show their sadness I feel slightly better. I hate that they are sad and that they miss her, because I know that pain, I know it well. But it also reminds me that they are still remembering her and always will. Except sometimes when I cry it is not just for me. It's like I am crying for everyone. I am crying for Maija-Liisa and her lost life, I am crying for my parent's pain, and her friend's pain, and everyone's pain. It feels too selfish to cry only for me. But it feels too overwhelming to cry for everyone else too. There is no happy medium. Why is this so hard? It was always hard, but now it's harder. Is it because every day is taking me further away from her? Each minute that passes is another minute that I am losing, another second I am forced to live without my sister. She is here, I know she is, but more than that she is gone. God, it sounds so confusing and it makes no sense and I wish it did. And yet, shouldn't it be simple? She is gone and I miss her. But it isn't simple. It's worse than that. That old familiar numb feeling is evaporating. I should have known it wouldn't last, it never does. I am so thankful, I never want to sound ungrateful for all that I have. I have the best friends in the entire world. I would not be able to live without them. I have a family, as broken as it might be, a family that loves me. I have a second family, my dance studio. I have everything I could ever want, minus one thing. Does time make any difference at all? She is not here, she will never be here again. Does it matter, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years will pass and the missing will never leave. Who are you trying to kid when you tell me it gets easier with time? That's just what you're supposed to say. That's what you think I want to hear, what you think will help, or maybe you even sincerely believe it to be true. It is purely and entirely false. It is the biggest lie I have ever heard. Time doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to her, because it does not exist to her and what feels like an eternity to me is only a day or two for her. And it certainly doesn't matter to me. Because her absence is eternal and nothing can change that. She is gone.