So it's midnight and I am deliriously tired but for some reason I'm too stubborn to just go to bed like a normal person would. I can barely keep my head up. It's so annoying because I get all of my inspiration, motivation and (energy?) at night and yet I can't do anything because I'm too damn tired! So maybe I don't get energy but I do feel more motivated. I have so much homework to do and I just haven't been able to work on it because I just don't care. It doesn't matter to me. I know I need to pass my classes to graduate but it's not like I'm failing anything. I wish a lot of things right now, first being that I was more motivated to succeed and tried harder at life and that things came more naturally to me, things like, umm, hmm, how about EVERYTHING. School is hard, french is hard, literature is hard, english is stupid, geography is hard, sometimes I feel like a complete dumbass. And since it is hard to feel like a dumbass and still feel good about myself, I just want to give up, hence the skipping and the lack of motivation. God, it's a vicious cycle. The only class I'm doing really well in is Law, which is convenient since I love it! Maybe that's why I love it, because I'm half decent at it. Or maybe I'm half decent at it because I haven't fallen behind or skipped or pissed the teacher off which would then, in turn piss me off and give me reasons to skip. Ahhhhhhh. Whyyyy. I know I have screwed up but then sometimes I think, why does it even matter? People make such a huge deal about skipping one class. What is that all about? Oh yes, because I skipped one class now the world is ending and my future is ruined and I'm going to be a drug addict living on the streets. That's the way the world works. I'm never going to get a job. I'm going to live a life of misery. NO! Actually, skipping is fun and I don't care what anyone says to me, it will NOT ruin my life. Realistically, it does nothing. It just makes the teacher a little ticked off which is kind of slightly hilarious especially when it's a spaztic teacher (oh we all know who I'm talking about). She is completely one of those people who assumes the worst of you. It's like, oh because I make one mistake, one lack of judgement and all of the sudden I am a bad kid. All of the sudden you don't like me, you disrespect me, you talk down to me. Is that going to help? You don't get it. Fuck, no one gets it. The more you tell me not to, the more I will. I don't care if I am overreacting because I know I am and I also know that I don't actually care as much as I sound like I do but I'm absolutely exhausted and my eyes are itching and I should really go to sleep but I have too much to say. I feel like all my thoughts are scattered right now. I was thinking about why we are even here and this question is going to be the death of me, I swear. But why are we here? I hate how depressing it sounds but what is the point in a lot of what we do? If I only have one life, why am I spending it the way I am? If I found out that I was going to die in a month I would go out and I would live. But since I am expected to live to a ripe old age then I live my life doing what is expected of me. I go to school. I go to dance (which I obviously love or I wouldn't be doing it, but besides the point). I work, and I get sucked into this rythm that, as much as I enjoy it, can become rather dull after a time. It is the same thing, over and over and I don't know why I am doing it. I mean I know why, obviously. But I don't really. And no one really does. Sometimes I am just soo desperate to find out what happens when we die. Seriously that sounds bad, but I'm curious, and I think that is the only thing that doesn't make me afraid of death. I am more afraid that I will die before I have really lived. Which brings me back to my whole point. When I graduate, I am going to start living. There are people who say this and they do not really mean it. Maybe I will become one of them. But I really hope not. I want to experience life because it's the only thing I have, and even though it doesn't make sense to me I should still accept it and do what I can with it. Life is meant to be lived and even as everyone's ideas, cultures, religions, leisure activities, whatever else have changed over the past years and decades, one thing has always stayed the same. And that is to live the life you are given.