I've lost you like I lose everyone. I only seem to have one person at a time in my life who I can fully trust and fully open up to. Right now, it's the person I am paying to talk to and that thought is slightly comforting, but mostly depressing.
The "you" I am referring to in this blog post isn't just one person. It's every person in my life who seems to come and go, be consistently inconsistent, and never really there when I need them to be. Only there when it's convenient for them. Or they try to be there, but they inevitably say something that hurts me and I push them away. Because I am so good at pushing people away.
Now I'm pushing "you" away. Because "you" made me feel bad, like I've done something wrong by being open with you. Like I shouldn't talk about how I feel, I should probably learn to be more considerate of other people's feelings. I shouldn't open my mouth if it means somebody else is going to suffer as a result. Not because I'm a bully to that person, but because I am a bully to myself.
Some days I want to be back in the hospital because it felt horrifically safe, even though it was in the worst way possible. But life felt different then. It felt more predictable and I felt like there was a chance that I had people in my life who really cared. I have people now who care but either they care inconsistently, or depression is convincing me that they don't care and they never really cared to begin with. They are just pretending.
Well I'm starting to feel like I'm only pretending too. I'm just pretending that things are getting better and life is starting to move forward in the right direction, but what if it's not? I'm scared it's just giving me a false sense of security and something will happen to pull the rug out from beneath my feet. I feel stable yet I don't at all.
I want to feel whole again.
