Can I be honest? The truth is scarier than anything, but it is real. Let me try. I don't want to scare anyone away. I hope it isn't overwhelming.


It can be exhausting. Grief is exhausting. I love to pretend that it's not. I love to pretend that my time of grieving is over, but it's not. It never will be. She is gone. She is really gone.


The most clear memories I have are from the night she died and the first few months after that. I remember the strangest details. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I almost wish it was yesterday because that would mean I had just seen her.


I am listening to the song for her tribute dance. I remember the memorial. I remember sitting in the church and holding hands with my friends and crying so silently that no one even knew I was crying. The tears did not stop. They flowed so freely that they hardly left a trace, save for the residue of salt beneath my chin. The wooden bench was unwelcoming and uncomfortable. I got up and danced for her, but it felt so meaningless. I did not cry while I danced. When I sat back down I wondered if I should run. I thought I should, but I didn't know what that would do. It felt confusing. I was too exhausted to give it a try. 


Everyone lined up to give their condolences. Why? Will it bring her back? No. Then what's the point? The church was filled but I don't remember faces. I remember everything except the faces of people who loved her. She is gone.


It still doesn't feel real. Shouldn't it make a little more sense? I don't feel as lost as I did in grade 10. But I don't really know who I am without her. I still pray that she could come home. In grade 10 I thought about whether or not there was a heaven and if I died would I join her? I decided it wasn't up to me to decide if I was ready to see her again. I still don't know if I believe in God, although I'd like to. But I know that some higher force must be out there. That higher force was telling me to live for my sister. Or maybe it was her voice I was hearing.


I really would do anything if it meant she could come home. No other pain can compare to this. I wish there was a way to undo this. It is hard to sugarcoat something like this, although I feel like I have done a pretty good job up until now. I would love to pretend that my life is just grand all the time. But it isn't. While I'm being honest, it's pretty much screwed my life up. Everything has changed. I am glad my parents are as good at hiding everything as I am, or things would probably be worse. I need a break from pretending, but more than that I need a break from the pain.


When I think about the future it is hard to imagine it without her. It's hard to imagine that the rest of my life will be without her. I am not ready to accept that. I can't believe that I will be graduating in 3 months and she will not be there. I miss her.